


The Memories of Tomorrow

by Akira10



Series: Lost Memories [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Complete, Lost Memories, M/M, as always, third part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira10/pseuds/Akira10
Summary: Because of an accident, he lost his memories, and even though they all tried to make him feel better, to help him...There was something missing.Something that his old self had and adored, but that he didn't have.And there was just a question in his mind, who he was going to be in the future?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, another part is starting!
> 
> This originally was supposed to be the last part, but after thinking it well, if I ended it in just three chapters, it would be way to rushed, so I choose to do another (and last) part of these series.
> 
> Also, a little note: Line is a messaging app quite popular in Japan.

_**The Memories of Tomorrow** _

_**Part 1** _

* * *

 

 _Finally…_ He sighed, his back was against the door, the house was back to being silent. _Finally…_ It only took three hours for them to leave, the long hours in where he could only think about running to his bedroom and finding whatever was on his phone…

All the answers, the truth…

His hands went to cover his face, but underneath, there was a little smile appearing.

More than being scared about whatever he was—or wasn’t—going to find there, he was excited, anxious of course, but excited.

Finally finding the answers… Solving the mystery that his life has become, finding who was that guy living with him, finding what kind of problem he had with Gintoki for all of them to try and avoid talking about him that much…

Maybe he was truly putting all of his hope in a phone that he wasn’t even sure if he was going to be able to use.

But he didn’t stop to think of all of the things that could go wrong…

Not knowing the password, that not being his phone, the phone itself not having anything inside…

Neither of those possibilities crossed his mind.

Instead, he only ran towards his room as fast as he could, unplugged the phone and sat on the bed; his heart beating faster than ever, his mind already thinking of what sorts of things he was going to find there…

“Okay…” He whispered, as his trembling finger touched the button on the side. “Okay.” He repeated once the screen turned on, one of those default images on the background.

Nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing that he didn't have in the past.

That same trembling finger swiped across the screen, only for him to find that same old screen asking for a pattern to unlock the phone.

He took a deep breath as his finger was drawing the old pattern he had in his phone five years ago, after all, he never changed it ever since he got his first tactile phone, why would his older version change it? He always thought that it was a pain to memorize another, so maybe that same thought wouldn’t change either?

So carefully—more than necessary—he drew the little arrow and not even a second passed when the screen was showing another—default—picture as a background, with some little icons on it.

 _I did it!_ He cheered a smile on his face, his hands trembling a lot more.

Since when unlocking a phone was something to be so happy about it?

Even if he was completely excited and his mind was going crazy, he still took some seconds to analyze what those icons on the screen were and where he should start.

The Line icon was in one corner, while the gallery icon was in the other, while on the hotbar on the bottom of the screen had the music, the internet, and the call icon.

His choice was clear.

Without thinking it twice, he went to open the line app—at least the apps haven’t changed that much in those five years. He was quickly welcomed by the interface he knew well, and surprisingly he had more than just two conversations—like he used to have.

"Gintoki, Kondo-san, Sougo, Zaki… The Shinsengumi?" He read, unaware of the little detail that he missed, and finding himself more interested in the group chat with all the guys in the police.

Until he went back to read the names again.

“Gintoki?” Not ‘Yorozuya’, not ‘idiot’, nor any other nickname, but simply ‘Gintoki'. "What the…" He stared at the screen for a second, from the dates next to the names—and ignoring the obvious order of the chats—it was Gintoki with who he talked the last, not even with Kondo which the last chat dated from three days before.

But why?

Wasn’t he in a supposedly bad relationship with him?

Without wanting to wait anymore he finally opened his chat with Gintoki and scrolled up as fast as he could—and trying his best to not read any of the messages—until he got to the start of that last day they talked.

 _‘Stop sulking’_. Was the first message, it was one he had sent, and it sure bothered him that the chat had to start with something as vain as that, but he kept on reading.

_‘I’m not.’_

_‘Don’t try to fool me. You didn’t even want to see me off, hell, you even rejected me when I was trying to say goodbye!’_

He read that sentence, once, twice, but he couldn't quite understand. But from what he could tell, he and Gintoki were in the same place? Could it be that…?

He shocked his head. It was way too early to start making theories.

_‘Cause I didn’t want to get up, you asshole. Can you blame me for that?’_

_‘See, you’re sulking.’_

_‘Fuck off.’_

_‘You’re so not cute Gintoki.’_

_Cute?_ Why was he saying those words to another guy, especially when the guy in question was the annoying Gintoki?! And why the hell was he calling him by his name?! It was weird how familiar he seemed to be with Gintoki.

But he couldn’t help but notice that that conversation wasn’t one he would have with someone that he had a bad relationship with…

 _‘I’m a man! I’m not supposed to be cute, you bastard!’_ He had to give Gintoki a point in that one.

_‘You know this is not my fault. I wasn't the one choosing especially today for that reunion and you know it.'_

So he was sulking because he had a reunion? Why did he have to give someone else explanations, to begin with?!

He sighed. Why was he starting to feel so tired all of the sudden?

_‘Believe me, you left things really clear when you left Toushiro.’_

_Why is he using my damn name?!_ He left the phone on the bed, and his hands went to wipe his face and ruffle his hair.

At that point it was obvious, wasn’t it?

They were calling each other by their given names, they seemed to be friendly with each other, he didn’t have any other chats with someone else, and he was the one missing, the one they all were reacting weirdly when his name was mentioned.

He was living with Gintoki.

But more than answering his questions, it was only raising more. Why? Why? Why?

His hands went to grab the phone again, he would have time later to think of those questions.

_‘What did you expect me to do?! Tell Kondo-san that I can’t go because you were sulking like a little brat?!’_

_‘Gintoki?’_

He noticed the five minutes in between those two.

_‘Shit.’_

Even he—that didn’t know what was going on—could tell how much he fucked up.

_‘I wanted to stay there too.’_

_‘Look, I’ll try to escape the reunion as soon as I can, okay?’_

_‘I know you’re reading this Gintoki.’_

Once again, there was some time in between those.

_‘God dammit. Why are you so damn hard to please, you asshole!?’_

And there was still no answer from Gintoki; that was starting to be quite painful to read.

_‘It’s not my fault that Kondo needed me in our anniversary!!’_

_Anniversary? What am I talking about!? What anniversary?!_ He could feel how his face was going pale as he kept on reading that word over and over and over.

Just what they were talking about?! What kind of anniversary could two grown up men celebrate together?!

Because the only anniversary he could think of was… It was surely not that _kind_ of relationship! He wasn’t like that! And from what he could remember of Gintoki, he wasn’t either!

Right?! Right…?

So what could it be? Their anniversary of living together? Did something so pathetic exist in the first place?

 _‘Fine! Be like this, I don’t give a shit!’_ He went back to reading hoping to get his mind away from those thoughts.

_‘Fuck.’_

This time, the time in between was more than an hour.

_‘Sorry… I didn’t mean those things, you know?’_

_‘I didn’t want to fight Gintoki, not today of all days dammit.’_

_‘I’ll repay you for this, okay? Just wait for me in our house.’_

At least that confirmed his theory of them living together. 

“Fuck.” He sighed as he was letting himself onto the bed. Just what happened between them?

Even if he hated to admit it, that didn’t seem like a chat two guys normally living together would have…

“Shit…” Without waiting for his brain to process what he had read, he started scrolling back, looking for something, anything that would answer his questions.

But from what he read, everything was as ambiguous—or even more—as the chat he just read, most of the things he read, were only one of them asking what they should buy at the store, or if the other would like to eat at a restaurant, some were fights similar—but not as bad—to the one he just read.

Nothing consistent, nothing clear.

Until his eyes caught sight of a picture Gintoki send him some weeks ago. It was just a picture of Gintoki himself with a silly smile and what seemed to be a strawberry smoothie in his hand, the message on the photo only read: _look at what I got._

But he didn’t pay much attention to that, but to the man himself. If he had the idea that the man hasn't changed from his memories thanks to the picture Kondo gave him before, now he could be certain after seeing him from so close.

He hasn't changed at all.

Not even his hair, nor his face, nor his skin. It was all exactly as how he remembered him to be. So even if he was freaking out a little, he couldn't help but feel more at ease after seeing him. He couldn't even understand why.

He took a deep breath and read the messages under the photo.

_‘What the hell are you drinking now?! Dammit, Gintoki, I'm making dinner right now, you know?! Why would you get something like that before dinner?'_

_‘Ugh, you sound like my mother now.’_

_‘I doubt a mother would do the stuff I do to you.’_

_‘Geez Toushiro, you’re making it worse. So… want something from the store?’_

_‘I just want you to get your ass over here. Weren’t you the one annoying the hell out of me to make you this meal?’_

_‘Yeah, yeah, I’m going M-O-M.’_

_‘Shut up.’_

_‘Love you, you idiot.’_

_‘Yeah, yeah, me too. But you really need to do more walking and less texting.’_

If his face was going pale before, this time he was definitely white as a paper—until the blood started going back to his face.

Just what did he just read!?

In less than a second he has already closed the app, while his heart was racing inside his chest.

Were they really in that sort of relationship?! Was _he_ in that sort of relationship!? But that… Was he really like that?! What just happened in those five years?!

“What the fuck…” Is true that he never thought about it, he never considered, and he didn’t have anything against it either, but seeing something like that… Seeing himself acting like that and having no memories of what happened… It was shocking, more shocking than all the other things that have happened to him in those days.

His eyes went back to looking at the front of the screen, this time he was focused on the gallery icon that was there.

It was there for a reason, right?

Almost scared of what he could find, he opened the gallery, finding that the first one was a picture of Gintoki making a silly face.

He stared at it for a second, before swiping it to the side, in the next one it was the same, but this time, he was in too—or at least his sleep version was in—while Gintoki was drawing a bad mustache over his face.

He swiped it to the side, only to find that the badly drawn mustache was finished, while Gintoki was at his side smiling proudly.

He couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. _Such an idiot…_

What?! Why was he laughing like that?!

But he had to admit that the whole thing was quite fun.

He changed the photo, and now there was the same Gintoki and himself with the bad mustache, but this time, Gintoki was kissing him on the forehead.

And that, that really made it real.

They were a thing.

But he couldn’t bring himself to hate it, or to feel disgusted about it. It wasn’t a secret that he didn’t dislike Gintoki, he wouldn’t take it as far as to say he had feelings for the man, of course.

It was almost as if, the he who was in the picture, was someone else. Someone that wasn’t himself… “Geez…” He sighed, he wasn’t even making any sense anymore.

But what didn’t make sense at all—putting the whole sexuality aside—was that if they were together, together enough to have silly photos like that and live together, why didn’t Gintoki went to visit him to the hospital?

 _Why do I even care about that?_ He sighed, nothing really made sense anymore.

So before he would go completely crazy, he went back to the front screen, and without thinking much he opened Gintoki’s chat. _Just what am I doing…?_ He stared at the chat for some minutes until his fingers started moving.

 _‘Hey.’_ He typed.

And before he could regret it, he sent it.

The best way to get answers was to ask the person himself, right?

He wasn’t going to make a mistake, right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I already told you guys, that you're all amazing?  
> Because you definitely are!
> 
> I can't thank you enough for being so nice and supportive with someone like me and this story, like seriously, I'm so grateful with everyone that has read to this point!

_**The Memories of Tomorrow** _

_**Part 2** _

* * *

 

A sigh left his lips as he was trying to get more comfortable on the bench he was resting on, but the wood was hard and cold; so, so cold; that he was starting to freeze, even though he has been sleeping on that same bench for the past days.

He sighed again as his hand wandered to the backpack next to him, looking for the blanket the brought with him; the same blanket _he_ gave him on their first Christmas together.

How much he has laughed back then. _‘Such a silly gift.’_ He had said while _he_ was sulking at his side.

But now, on those cold nights with no roof over his head… He appreciated it more than anything else in the world. And not only because it kept him warm in that moment, but because the smell that old blanket had.

They often used it to cover themselves on the long nights when they enjoyed watching movies until sunrise, so of course, their own scents became attached to the cloth, and that was what he liked the most.

Falling asleep on that cold and uncomfortable bench while _his_ soft scent was filling the air around him, letting the old—but necessary to himself—scent to give him some sort of comfort on those bad nights.

Letting that scent to blind him to the things that were happening in reality, so that at least, his dreams could be somehow happy with _him_ still at his side.

_This is so stupid…_ He sighed, but he still put the blanket over him. _So stupid…_

If he knew things were going to be like that, that the nights would be so cold, so lonely… Maybe he would have gone to a hotel, rent a room for some days, go back to his old house, something…

But there was no way he could do that, right?

He couldn’t waste any money if he wanted to leave to the countryside as fast as he couldn’t, he couldn’t go back to his old apartment and deal with all the questions—and scoldings—that Kagura would give him if he did, not now, not ever.

He just wanted to save some more money from his part time and leave to a place in where he could be alone, in where no one would know who he was or how coward he acted, to a place in where _he_ wouldn’t be there.

He just wanted to live alone with his memories until the end in a place where no one would remember him.

It wasn’t that much to ask.

He sighed again and decided to catch some sleep before morning so that at least his body would be rested and he could do some more shifts back at work.

Or so he thought…

In the middle of the quiet park, in the middle of the quiet night, inside of his pocket, his phone started ringing.

He chose to ignore it the first time, but after—what he believed were two more messages—it rang twice more, he finally sat on the bench and took it out, ready to turn it off in case Kondo or the others were spamming him again with questions.

But it was definitely not Kondo, even less any of the others.

In his screen, it only read ‘Toushiro’.

And only that was even worse than if he had seen a ghost.

_No way!!_ The little sleepiness he had, left him in less than a second, his heart started racing and his whole brain was sending him red alarms. _There is no way!!_ He stared at the name of the screen for some seconds, before, alarmed, he threw the blanket away from him and grabbed his backpack in a hurry.

There was simply no way, right?

He remembered taking _his_ phone with him when he went to grab some of his clothes, right? That has to be a dream, a really bad one… Right?!

_No way, no way, no way, no freaking way!!_

He started to throw everything that was inside of his backpack outside, as he was desperately looking for that phone.

But there was no way he could find something that was never there in the first place.

After his bag was completely empty, he really felt like crying. From all the things that he could forget to take with him, from all the things that could haunt him, from all the things that could make him lose all of his confidence in his plan of escaping… He really had to forget the worst of all.

_Now what…_ He gave the phone to his side a little glance. Could he even be sure it was _him_? From all he knew, Kondo could have found the phone and send him that message to get him to answer…

But Kondo wasn’t such a cruel man to do something like that…

_Is_ _it really…_ He looked at the phone once more. _Could it be…_ He grabbed it and brought it closer. If it was really _him,_ why was he texting him all of the sudden?

He knew that _he_ wasn’t one to erase their chats, so the possibility that _he_ could have seen their old messages was really high, hell, he didn’t even doubt it.

So why? Why was _he_ doing that? If _he_ knew what kind of relationship they had, if _he_ read those old messages if he saw the pictures it didn't make sense that _he_ was acting like that…

_Maybe…_ His eyes were focused on the screen. _Maybe he remembers…_

He shocked his head almost immediately.

It was obvious that it wasn’t like that, he has already accepted that he would never remember what happened between them, what did he win by hurting himself over that again?

If there was someone _he_ remembered, it was certain that it was going to be only Kondo, not him…

Even then, after all the things that happened, he was still jealous of Kondo.

He sighed again before turning back to see the screen, just in time to see it turn on again, while a little sound filled the silence. _Another message…_ The name appeared on the screen once again, but this time, it showed what the message said: _‘Yorozuya.’_

And that was enough for the hopes that he refused to harbor—but that still was there—to completely vanish.

There was simply no way, right?

Feeling completely discouraged, he unblocked his phone and went to see what the others messages were about…

_‘Hey.’_

_‘Are you there?’_

_‘I know it’s quite late.’_

_‘Yorozuya.’_

And he could only stare at the messages with a sad smile on his face.

That formal way of speaking, that way to address him… It was just like how _he_ was a long time ago, and that really hurt him.

What happened between them was completely lost, right?

His phone rang again, and now there was a new message on the screen.

_‘Hey.’_

_‘I know you’re reading this Yorozuya.’_ He couldn’t help but remember how _he_ used those same words back on that day…

Maybe if he stopped sulking like a little brat on that day, would things still be the same?

It was all his fault after all.

_‘We need to talk.’ He_ sent, and he took a deep breath.

Even then, he was still weak when it came to _him…_

But how was he supposed to even act normal around _him_? After all those years, he didn’t even know how to act like he used to before those feelings came to him…

Hell, did he ever had a time in where he could talk normally with _him_ without thinking about his feelings, to begin with?

_‘What can I help you with, Hijikata-kun?’_ He stared at the message for some seconds trying to see if it was too formal, of if it was too weird, a part of him wanting to play it cool in case he still didn’t know about what happened.

But who was he trying to fool?

He had to wait for more than a minute after he sent it to get an answer.

_‘Where are you?’_

_Straight to the point…_ Some things never changed no matter what.

_‘Such a weird question Hijikata-kun. I’m just at home.’_ He lied, still trying—way too hard—to play cool.

_‘Don’t fool me.’_ He answered, fast as always.

_‘I know that you live with me. I know… I know what we were.’_

And that definitely made him feel worse. 

_‘Why are you talking with me if you know? Don’t you find me disgusting?’_ He didn’t mind that it came out colder than he wanted.

He waited, and waited until he finally gave up after 5 minutes of waiting.

Carefully he put the phone back to the bench, while he started to get all the things inside of his backpack once again. That park was quite close to _his_ apartment, after all.

It was not until he was finally ready to leave that his phone ring again.

_‘I’m not.’_

_‘I really am not.’_ He raised an eyebrow.

Even then _he_ still managed to surprise him.

_‘Look, I know this is hard. But you’re the only one I can ask to help me. You’re the one who knows the best who I was, right?’_

_‘Please Gintoki.’_

And that was it for him.

How could he reject the one that was once his lover when _he_ was begging him like that? There was no way he could.

_‘Fine. I’ll go.’_ He simply sent, before walking back to the place that was once his home.

* * *

He took the longest way to his home, and even when he finally arrived at the building he stayed outside for more than 20 minutes, trying to muster all the courage he had… He was certain he was going to need it.

He went inside and chose the stairs instead of the elevator.

That was going to the last time.

By the moment he finally got to the fourth floor, one hour has passed, and even like that he felt like he still needed more time before seeing _him._

But he didn't more time to get ready because when he was walking down the hallway he saw someone sitting outside of the door to his apartment.

_He_ was there.

Sitting on the floor with _his_ head on _his_ knees and _his_ phone on _his_ hands.

“Toushiro…” He called without thinking, and regret it as soon as the words left his mouth.

But the man on the floor lift his head, and surprised expression appeared on his face—it was really subtle and if one didn't look well, it would be missed, but after all those years he became quite good at seeing all the expressions on _his_ face.

“Took you long enough, huh?” _His_ eyes quickly avoided his as he got up from the floor.

“What are you doing here To… Hijikata?” He noticed the quick glance _he_ gave him.

“I thought of being outside in case you got lost,” _he_ explained as he was opening the door. “But now that I think about it,” _he_ snorted, “you probably know how to get here the best, huh?”

They both remained quiet after that. And it was until they were both sitting on the living that _he_ broke the silence between them.

“You know…” _He_ started. “I can’t remember anything that happened five years ago.”

_Five years ago…_ He raised his head and stared at the silent man in front of him that was looking at the floor. Five years ago… He hadn’t even confessed then, hell, they weren’t even friends back then.

“Kondo told me some things too, the basic stuff I suppose.” He had to admit that between the two of them, _he_ seemed to be holding down the best. Even though _he_ was the one losing five years of his life. “But he kept you hidden, they all did.”

_He_ finally lifted his head and their eyes met. Red again blue.

He always loved _his_ eyes.

“What were you expecting?” He finally answered. “There was no way they would tell you that you were dating a guy, even less when that, that guy was me." He chuckled softly but stopped after seeing how serious _he_ was. “I told him to not tell you anything.”

“What? You did?”

He took a deep breath, and this time, he was the one avoiding the other’s gaze. “Yeah… What was I supposed to do…? I mean, you didn’t remember me, I couldn’t stay after that.”

_‘Do you regret it?’_ The words once again resonated deep in his memories.

“So… You’re just running away?! Are you kidding me?!” He refused to see _him_. “You can’t just leave!!”

He really refused to see what kind of expression Toshiro had.

"You're the one who is kidding with me." He answered. "You read the messages, right? You know how I feel about you, don't you? I can't just go back to being your friend if that’s what you want. Not after all the stuff that happened between us.” He clenched his hands. It hurt, it hurt so much. “I can’t even see your face without remembering those times, dammit! What am I supposed to do? Pretend that nothing happened? Going back to being friends with you?" He sighed. “Ask you to go past your sexuality again?!”

“You…” He could tell Toshiro was pissed, that tone of voice was one he could never forget; the same one he used when they talked that last time… “You’re the only one who can answer my questions, aren’t you going to take responsibility?”

“And here I am, aren’t I?” He finally went back to look at Toshiro, even he, looked hurt, but he probably didn’t know why. “I would answer what you want today.” _And just today._ “But don’t ask the impossible. I can’t go back.”

That was his resolve, settle down things and leave to never come back.

“You sound as if you’re hurried to leave.”

“’Cause I am.” If he were the Toshiro from before, he would have already smacked his head so many times by now…

‘ _Are you an idiot?! Why the fuck are you making my own choices?!’_ He could hear him say.

But that Toshiro was gone, right?

“You motherfucker…” He saw him clenching his hands, and he closed his eyes involuntary, waiting for the hit. “Stay.” He heard him whispering.

“What?” He opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "What are you saying!?"

In front of him, Toshiro had his eyes closed, his hands clenched and a little red on his face “Stay here.” He said in a whisper. “This is your home, isn’t it? Why are you leaving? Just fucking stay here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapter wasn't that confusing with all those 'he' in italics, but it was a way to show how much Gintoki was refusing to even think of Hijikata's name


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three done, only one more left!

_**The Memories of Tomorrow** _

_**Part 3** _

* * *

 

_Hours earlier_

_‘I know you’re reading this Gintoki.’_ He typed, his fingers trembling slightly and a weird knot in his throat.

Surprisingly, he felt weird, he even felt guilty by writing those words, maybe it was the fact that he knew how he used those same words that last time and how bad that situation end up being, maybe it was the fact that he was thinking of using those same words on purpose, knowing well what they're carried with them.

It was almost as if he was prying open an old injury, right?

Prying open something that was already closed just to get some sort of answer from the other.

“Fuck…” He sighed.

Since when did he become someone so selfish, so cruel, so despicable, so _disgusting_ …?

"Fuck…" He sighed once again, and his trembling fingers started moving around the keyboard on the screen.

_‘I know you’re reading this Yorozuya.’_ He typed, but even then, he couldn't help but grow that disgust he felt towards himself.

If he had to be honest, he even felt worse than before.

He was one to think well of his words—even seeing those old messages from his older version told him that he was like that too—and he was definitely not an idiot.

He knew well what he was doing by typing those words.

Using the same words his older version used in their last chat, but instead of using his name, he was using a nickname, almost as if he was trying to say that no, he wasn't the one he once was, as if he was drawing a line and showing how much he was willing to accept.

Accept the past they had and showing it to him by using those words, but at the same time rejecting it by calling him with a nickname instead of his name.

_But if it gets him to answer…_

So selfish, so despicable, so, so _disgusting_.

But it was too late to do something about it.

Without wanting to think more about it, he had already sent the message.

All that disgust he felt, all that hate… It only got worse when next to his message, a little ‘read’ appeared.

_‘We need to talk.’_ He typed quickly as if by writing that, all those feelings bottled up inside him would disappear.

He stared at the screen without blinking, his eyes focused on the ‘read’ next to his messages, the guilt consuming him.

Maybe he could have found a better way to get him to answer, a way that didn't involve hurting the other person at the end of the line, another way…

The little sound of his phone brought him back to reality, and now, under his messages, there was an answer.

_‘What can I help you with, Hijikata-kun?’_

He couldn't explain it, but the part that was happy by Gintoki’s answer was losing to the part that was feeling… Disappointed?

Almost as if he wanted him to be as familiar as he was with his other version, even though he was the one putting the line between them.

* * *

_‘Why are you talking with me if you know? Don’t you find me disgusting?’_

It took him some minutes to finally understand what those words on the screen said, but even then, he still couldn't get the meaning of them.

Feeling disgusted? Why would he feel like that? Because it was a relationship between males? He never got bothered by that—love was love no matter what wasn’t it?—sure, it was a bit shocking knowing that he was in one, but that didn't mean he found it disgusting, nor that Gintoki was disgusting either…

Hell! He was the one being disgusting there, wasn't he? Playing with the meanings of words, being aware that he was being an asshole and not doing anything to stop it.

He put his phone away, while his free hand ran through his hair, he never really—not before, not now—could follow Gintoki's train of thought.

But if he had to be honest, he couldn't even follow his own train of thought.

All those feeling bottle up, all that disgust he had for himself, all that interest he had for the other man, and just for some answers?

“Just when did I fall in love with you?” He sighed before laying down on the bed, the hand that was touching his hair was now covering his eyes. “What the hell did you do in five years?”

He knew that saying it was just for ‘answers’ and nothing else was an excuse, a really big excuse, but he didn't understand.

More than just answers, he wanted to know how they lived together, how they got to be what he saw in those messages, how someone like him… How was _he_ in a relationship?

Did a part of him remember what happened? Was that part that still remembered, pulling him towards Gintoki?

“Geez…” He hit the bed and got up, his fingers wandered toward the phone next to him and pick it up.

_‘I’m not.’_

_‘I really am not.’_ That was the only thing he could say and be certain of it.

_‘Look, I know this is hard. But you’re the only one I can ask to help me. You’re the one who knows the best who I was, right?’_

_‘Please Gintoki.’_

And once again, he was opening an injury that shouldn't be opened.

* * *

He knew it was stupid, he knew he was being foolish.

But he couldn't bear to wait inside.

If he had to wait inside, if he had to walk around his house waiting for him to come, he would definitely go mad—more than what he already was.

At least being outside… He could feel the breeze cold from outside, he could hear more clearly the steps of the people coming down the hallway; he could even use the time to think for a while.

But he found soon enough that waiting for an hour was something really boring, cold and lonely.

* * *

"Toshiro…" He heard a voice next to him, and to his own surprise, Gintoki was there, a big jacket on, a bag on his back and surprised expression in his face.

_So he still can call me by my name so easily, huh?_

Maybe he was feeling embarrassed, or maybe a little shy, but he quickly averted his eyes as he got up.

“Took you long enough, huh?” He simply answered while he was hiding his face as he was looking for his keys in his pockets.

But more than finding his keys, he first touched the picture he has been looking at so much in his pocket.

He didn't need it anymore, right? He had the real deal in front of him now.

“What are you doing here To… Hijikata?” He glanced at Gintoki quickly, but he bet that the man noticed his action.

He was the one that drew the line between them, he was the one that chose to not act familiar with him;, he was the one rejecting the way he used to act, right?

So why was he feeling disappointed now that Gintoki was doing the same?

* * *

“Stay here.” He whispered. “This is your home, isn’t it? Why are you leaving? Just fucking stay here.”

What was he playing at? What was he trying to achieve by saying those things?

He wasn't sure, but he had the feeling that if he didn't stop him now, he would be gone forever and that, that was something he didn't want.

“What?! What are you saying now?!” He got up from the sofa and sighed. “What are you trying to do, seriously? I can't be friends with you, really, not anymore.” Their eyes finally met, and the hurt expression on his eyes really hurt him.

Why did he have to hurt him so much that day?

If only he could understand what he was trying to achieve by all that… “I don't mind.” He whispered. “I don't mind how you see me, just stay.” He added, but he knew he was begging.

The warmth and the comfort his presence gave him, he wasn't eager to let it go, not until he could understand what was going on inside of his mind.

“I don't care if you want to talk or not… Just stay.”

“You…” Gintoki looked back at him, but that hurt expression was nowhere to be seen. “We're already over our thirties, you know? We don't have time to play at being buddies, go and settle down, get married or something, just leave me out of this.”

_Everything but that!_

“Then,” he was troubled, troubled by how things were going, by how he couldn't find the right words. “Stay until you find a new place to leave, okay?”

Gintoki only stared at him silently, but that surprised expression was back.

“You're trying to leave, right? Then just stay here. This is your home dammit, you can stay as much as you want.” His hand was still clenched with all of his strength.

If only he could find the right words to say.

“You can use m- _our_ room, I'll sleep on the couch, I don't mind.”

“Just shut up.” He raised his hand and breathed deeply. _Did I ruined it?!_ “You just came out of the hospital, so you sleep in _your_ room, I'll crash here for some days until I can leave, okay? Just stop annoying me." He couldn't help but smile a little, he never thought he would get him to accept so quickly. “That's nothing to smile over, you idiot.”

But it really was, at least for him.


End file.
